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What’s happening here? As an adult, you know that as life goes on, you’re going to spend more and more time looking after the person who started out looking after you, that’s par for the course; but my mum and I swapped roles when I was about nine. Anything bad that has happened to me in the last couple of decades detentions, bad exam marks, getting thumped, getting bunged from college, splitting up with girlfriends has ended up like this, with Mum visibly or audibly upset. It would have been Field Cleats Love Life Heart Success Softball Shirt for both of us if I had moved to Australia when I was fifteen, phoned home once a week and reported a sequence of fictitious major triumphs. Most fifteen-year-olds would find it tough, living on their own, on the other side of the world, with no money and no friends and no family and no job and no qualifications, but not me. It would have been a piece of piss compared to listening to this stuff week after week. It’s it’s not fair. ‘Snot fair. It’s never been fair. Since I left home, all she’s done is moan, worry, and send cuttings from the local newspaper describing the minor successes of old school friends. Is that good parenting? Not in my book. I want sympathy, understanding, advice, and money, and not necessarily in that order, but these are alien concepts in Canning Close. ‘I’m all right if that’s what’s upsetting you.’ I know that’s not what’s upsetting her. 

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